You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
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So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
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The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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