My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
