Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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