So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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