Whod you bang
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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