I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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