the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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