8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
