i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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