i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
