The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
