I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
