Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
