I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
