Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
