What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
