Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
