I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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