My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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