I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Randomize
