Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize