thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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