see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
