This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
