i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Did I show you my penis last night?
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they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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