some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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