dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
