Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
