Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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