how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
