guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
