if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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