Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
please come you make the beer taste better
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
