my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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