screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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