For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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