i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
