Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You were trust falling into bushes
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
