i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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