just survived the first fart of the relationship.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Text me some of your sweat
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
