I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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