if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
