Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
