Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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