I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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