Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
