my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
