You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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