What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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