He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they're like a gay fantastic four
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
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I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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