I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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