the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
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I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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