i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
