Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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