There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
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