We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
